IT WAS QUITE THE CLOWN CAR

 reprinted from OpenSalon.com
1/27/15

MITT ROMNEY Former governor, two-time presidential candidate, predatory businessman, author of "Apologize for What?" Well ensconced among the one tenth of one percenters. Two words: roof rack.


JEB BUSH Former governor, champion of privatized everything, engineered the 2000 Florida result, author of "Not My Wars: Forging an American Identity." Dubbya stink.


DR. BEN CARSON Accomplished neurosurgeon, weekly opinion columnist, FoxNews fave, author of "We Made This: One Nation Starved of Honesty and Common Sense." Had me at Michael Brown caused his own murder.


CHRIS CHRISTIE Current governor, former prosecutor, unindicted so far, flagrant lap band cheat, author of New Jersey's steep decline. Forging tomorrow's passive aggression from today's aggression, pal.

MIKE HUCKABEE Former governor, Christianist, author of "God, Guns, Grift & Gravy." The caricature by Charlie Pierce of Esquire.com says it all: a "de-bloated god-bothering whackaloon who is occasionally mistaken for a nice guy."
(ed note: recently appears re-bloated)


RAND PAUL Senator, eye doctor, libertarianish author of "Aqua Buddha Goes to Washington." The sandwich board reads: all you can drink snake oil.


TED CRUZ Senator, ardent McCarthy reenactor, aural irritant, author of "I've Already Spent My Advance - DONATE NOW!" Repetition, repetition, repetition, repetition.


SCOTT WALKER Governor, also unindicted so far, poisoner of the public trust and the state's full faith, author of "Unmitigated: an Armed Fact-Checker's Fish Barrel." He's the most likely to benefit if not running on your record remains a viable tactic.


MARCO RUBIO US Senator, former speaker of the Florida house, veteran (no comma) Obama basher, one time savior of his party's demographic difficulties, author of “American Fantasy: Economic Opportunity Cake for Everyone.” Proof the clowns will need a limousine this time.

RICK PERRY Longest serving governor of Texas, indicted for abuse of power (case pending), author of "Feed Up!: Parceling Out America from Washington." More rehearsed with more departments of government he'd axe.


JOHN KASICH Governor, former congressperson, former paid FoxNews personality, author of "Something Something: The Looming Battle for Something Something." Unequivocally he'd be something.

RICK SANTORUM Former Senator, prude, vouchsafer of all things clean and not dirty, author of "Blue Collar Conservatives, Narcoleptic Goats: Some Things Just Don't Make Sense." Despite a line of bull so long that a "santorum" could readily have been made the internationally accepted unit for at least 10 parsecs, his name suffices as go-to slang for buckets of anal goo.


BOBBY JINDAL Governor, non-displaying Rhodes Scholar, first responder to the annual Obama address, author of "Crises After Crises: Our Leadership." The night he was born, "Joy to the World" was number one, say no more, wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean?

CARLY FIORINA Former CEO whose removal saved Hewlett-Packard, failed California senate candidate, McCain for President advisor, born Cara Carleton Sneed, author of "My Side of My Own Damn Story: a bitch-faced memoir." Some people who might just need to put some bona fides into their new CNN contracts (just sayin') are (what's the word?) confident (no, that's not the word), despite currently polling at a statistical zero percent, losing support even from benefit of the doubt.

RUDY GIULIANI, MICHELE BACHMANN, et. al. 

(ed note: these were supposed to be the also ran entries)

PAUL RYAN Congressperson, Hill brat since college, Empower America (Freedom Works) speechwriter, Romney running mate, author of "From Now On, It's Like the New Deal Never Happened." Still conflates capitalism and morality but he'll confine it to the House for now, he says.

SARAH PALIN Former governor, 2008 vice-presidential candidate, FoxNews personality, expert grifter, author of "Goyim Rouge." They say you shouldn't punch down and Palin has turned her syntactically challenged, period eschewing, buzzword rich, semantically void schtick up to a disturbing eleven plus, so I'll lay off the fantasy presidential bid of this poor tortured soul unless and until she rents (wink) another bus.

DONALD TRUMP Undisguised grifter, publicity whore, failed casino owner, author of "TRUMP: Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump, Trump." Quadrennial poop in the bassinet whose candidacy would be a YUGE mistake to consider serious.

  

TAKE-AWAYS

• This was 7 months before the first Republican debate
• You can provide educational opportunities but you can't make people learn
• Trump remains poop in the bassinet